Anne Lastman
Having just celebrated “Father’s Day” in Australia, being then an inopportune time to write on this topic, I have now thought it is important to write something on the issue of abortion grief experience by males. There is so much now written on abortion grief experienced by women but very little written regarding the male’s response to the aborting of his child.
The discussion around this topic seems to be taboo. Men “don’t experience grief about abortion” is the comment most often used, and yet men also experience a grief unlike any other. “I can’t explain it Anne, why did she have to do it? Why? I promised her that we would see this through together. I would walk with her. I would offer all help. If she wanted to get married, we would (she didn’t) so, why did she have to kill our baby? It doesn’t make sense” (Harry 29 yrs) This young man sat in front of me and tears flowed. He, at this moment didn’t want to talk much just wanting answers and I let him sit with me and weep as he needed, without fear of embarrassment or judgement, because he is man and men don’t cry. And indeed, over nearly 30 years of counselling many fewer males who present for abortion grief counselling because they feel that they shouldn’t grieve but should only support their partner’s decision to abort.
The male is supposed to experience very different emotions (if any) than those of a woman because of many reasons. Unwanted pregnancy with this particular sexual partner, not ready for child, career, pregnancy outside of spousal situation or simply their partner does not want his child. There are of course the “hard cases” rape, incest, domestic violence, (but these not discussed in this writing because pregnancy under these conditions is very different). However, the wounds that the male experiences when in a consensual relationship/marriage and the abortion decision is needed and they have been placed in a position where the abortion is discussed and then carried out.
To address the suffering of the male experience from abortion seems almost unbelievable. Because of the above-mentioned reasons and because this the topic has not been pursued and has been given such poor attention that their grief is not acknowledged, disenfranchised. Perhaps asking the “why” but the “why” can be different for each man, each culture, each country, each family. The “why” has so little attention because it has always been believed that the male contributes certain genetic material and his job is done, the ensuing time is completely in the hands of the woman. Indeed, from then on, it’s her body, her right to make whatever decisions she makes. The laws of most western nations have enshrined this law (her right) in their constitutions.
We have all heard the mantra “my body my right” repeated ad nauseum slowly at first till now it has become the chant of the pro-abortion brigade. A mantra repeated over and over that abortion is a private decision between a woman and her physician and the male has given his contribution and his task done. “It’s my body, my decision, my right” Figures in background generally not considered because their contribution given are now detached from the conception and perhaps in some way trailing behind the woman whilst she decides what is to be done and demanding his support to do it. However, whilst demanding his support he is supposed not to be affected or impacted by such a decision. The decision to have no say in his child’s life is removed from him.
It’s believed that men are involved in over 70% of abortion decisions and are to a lesser or greater degree impacted by their forced participation in the abortion of their child. As a post abortion grief counsellor for nearly 30 years, I have counselled both women and much fewer men and whilst women find it easier to speak and express their emotions, I have found that men are not so forthcoming though they too, feel just a deeply, about the abortion and death of his child which meant much more to him than expected.
I have also seen how deeply abortion impacts on their relationship. I have heard a father of an aborted baby say “I can’t ever trust her again. She took our baby to be killed even though there was no necessity to do so and I can’t ever see her again as my loving wife. If she can take pour baby to die then what else can she to” The worst of the many comments made which still haunts me “I drink a lot and then go out looking for a fight, looking to get hurt. I couldn’t protect my baby. I was his father I should have protected him, and so, I go looking for fights. I know that has been my self-punishment. I wanted to hurt like my baby hurt.”
As I was speaking with new client this past week a new thought occurred to me, something that I had not thought of before. I realised that he without making much of it, he realised that with the abortion of their baby, his girlfriend rejected him too. Not only was their baby conceived in a love act and rejected (or so he thought) but she also rejected him and his gifting her with his most exclusive gift, self. That of himself and together with her gift to him they would have created a whole new and total gift to each other. Their Unlike any gift they could have given. “the two shall become one” Gn 2:24. Not necessarily the actual intimate act but the fruit of that act.
This has also led me to the thought if only some males think and feel so deeply, why does it appear that others do not think about these issues at all and force their partner, spouse, friend to abort. Indeed, drive her to the facility, pay for the procedure whilst he waits outside counting the minutes Then takes her home and disappears. How can this absolute lack of empathy happen? What has caused this loss of feeling? What has occurred to this male that not even a moment of care is found in him? Could it be that abortion has been part of his environment (family, siblings, friendships) and his heart has hardened so that no pain becomes possible and when the need for abortion in his life comes then the decision for him is influenced by his experience of death of previous child. The hardness of heart in some males is frightening. Its robotical. Cold.
Abortion wounds the male at the deepest and most intimate level because the wound is rooted in his innate knowledge of his masculinity and its actual meaning. The wound affects his covenantal role which is situated in his role as father to his child. Fatherhood is not entirely rooted in the male sperm but is also rooted in the divine because within that sperm is found the elements embedded which are the love call to the feminine so that together they continue the work given to the to do ‘be fruitful and multiply’”
For the male who is a father to an aborted child, personal suffering, frustration, a sense of helplessness are to be found and at times followed by destructive behaviour, emotional self-loathing which contribute to emotional shutdown, alcohol abuse, artificial “happiness” (promiscuity and loss of esteem) lack of peace and pleasure in his own life. There is an internal warfare which lead to disequilibrium which only time and God can help to restore the lost peace. Only God can enter into the conscience and destroy the enemy of peace.
I’ve thought much about the “why” which I introduced earlier. Why the callousness against children. Why feel so very little about the death of a preborn children? Can the answer or part of what we see alive in a society full of violence beginning from earliest moments of life to end of life and these carried out legally and at times enforced? Can it be that the young grow up in some ways feeling abandoned by parents who for at times good reasons need to both work, but in the process, leaving children with others. Others not in themselves violent but for a child being left and who doesn’t understand the reason, simply Mum and Dad not here. A child is not interested in quality time but quantity time. Wants Mum and Dad. And so, with so many children growing without fathers and many “uncles” and no permanent “father” to protect them. Their own protection is themselves and their weapons.
Why is it the 12,13, 15, 18, 20, etc year olds need to walk around with knives and other weapons, with intention to use if thought needed? Where did this new (stabbing) and very demonic method of releasing anger come from? Is it a continuation of scalpel and destruction is womb? Why would a 13-yr old young boy know or want to stab a friend? Are we seeing externally what is happening internally? Are those who survived the scalpel now replaying what they remember.? Are we seeing as a life reel once shown The Silent Scream (Bernard Nathanson).
Perhaps another reason for this societal violence from beginning to end of life, is the loosened sexual norms where men and women mate and hate and run. Is woman simply copying the male style in that way there’ll be equality, indeed equality in all matters in life? Does the feminist movement which emerged and at the beginning not interested in even discussing abortion but for the equality and protection of women from domestic abuse? in due course the protest was carried out further with feminists who decided that to be equal the woman must be free to determine what to do with her own body, as prior her body was used and abused but now she must have the right to determine what happens to her body in all things, including if she wants to “run” from a pregnancy as at times a male “ran” from a pregnancy?
There are many reasons which are emerging and have slowly created a society not of love, companionship, care, empathy but one where there is a hatred most especially against young who were the glue to hold together either love or violence. Contraception, rejection of child. Abortion rejection of child. Later term abortion rejection of fully developed child. All offered in sacrifice. now Transgender, confusion of gender and mangling of a child’s identity, The common denominator in all of this is “life” such hatred of “life.” And one could ask “who’s behind this?” the enemy of life the one who heard God say to the human “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” This enemy does not want the earth filled except with his hatred.
When we propose we must also have some ideas about solution but we cannot return to past normal. Pandora’s box has had its lid opened and allowed all evil and pain to be released. Pandora’s box hid diseases, violence, greed, madness, death, plagues, and attacks against humanity.
I think Pandora’s Box has indeed been opened and the lid refuses to now be shut or as we might say in modern times “the horse has bolted” and won’t return. However, knowing this we are stronger than the ills of Pandoras Box because we have a beautiful soul given to us by God and nothing is greater than that. We should as a child who has been breathed into by God be able to defeat the enemy of God. God’s mandate to the one a little lower than the angels (Ps 8) was and is to be fruitful and multiply. God’s punishment of the one who rebelled and took a third of the angels with him is Sterility. He cannot be fruitful-ever. And so, he attempts to destroy that which is the fulfillment of God’s command.
For my new male client of this past week, it was so wonderful to see hope in his eyes when I spoke to him that his daughter is with the Lord (he was catholic) that the Lord’s mother is with his daughter who would have been nearly 3 years old. The Lord’s mother is taking good care of her. He loved the ideas I gave him to hold tight to the memory of his child without trying to forget her or carry her on his should but ever in his heart. He loved the idea of him creating a small memorial in her name and to be kept private
Simply letting him speak openly about his daughter (whom he had named) helped him to make her real and not something/someone only in his “head/heart” Where sessions are limited as this one was, helping him to make the child real and finding a way to keep her real is at times all that is needed. Even just being able to say her name makes her real.
We remember because we love and in the remembering we keep their passing by with us which keeps their memory alive. When it comes to abortion grief the most important thing is to encourage keeping the memory alive so the one who was supposed to pass by unnoticed is remembered for all time.
The enemy has not won at all.
