Abortion, Sexual Abuse, Suicide,
Death Penalty. A Grief related
Anne Lastman
Writing about abortion, sexual abuse, euthanasia, assisted suicide, body issues, (death of innocence, death of reason) especially of children, is always very difficult.
How does one feel when a loved one (adult son) dies through suicide? By violent means unable to be seen one last time. No last memory of a loved face. How does one feel? As a grief counsellor for nigh on 30 yrs I have seen a multitude of responses. Irrespective of “feelings” and “signs” the reality seems far. “I should have seen the signs but didn’t.” (Mother) A brother’s who refuses to inter ashes so he (victim) won’t be alone” These are signs of deep complicated grief, loneliness, guilt, because he feels he should have listened and heard his brother. The mother after four years has to still allow herself to believe that he has gone and has an enhanced attachment to a photo and an expectation that her son will return. Her grief and grieving took a road unknown to a mother. It took the road, of avoidance, negation, and even self-gratification in her belief and expectation of his coming back.
Seeing death certificates are very traumatic moments for family because the death becomes real. The flashing before the eyes memories of a long-ago time when a beautiful little boy was placed in the arms of a young mother. They were alone in the delivery room and then ward. Those long-ago days fathers paced outside, so the first look into each other’s eyes was mum and baby. An indeterminate amount of time just counting fingers, toes, hair, eyes. Holding tight so that he/she wouldn’t fall.
The death certificate is different than the birth certificate because there is now no body hold and keep safe from falling, but at time of suicide the body is removed and placed out of sight. No last look in the beautiful eyes which long ago locked together. No holding by mum or dad so that he wouldn’t fall, because he did fall, alone. A mother standing next to the casket of her tall baby. No words, thoughts. Funeral. A priest, but no church full of friends, family. No celebration of a life well lived. Every move hidden. A funeral conducted in secret. Shame. Regrets. Guilt. Hidden. No eulogy. Much more which remains unexpressed when a death is by suicide and whilst we understand that the individual must have been experiencing much torment as to find it unbearable to continue, it’s still something which is whispered about and best left unspoken.
Suicide can and yet cannot be compared with other types of death, e.g. abortion though some same features are similar, (shame) sexual abuse, (shame) euthanasia (shame), assisted suicide (shame) death penalty, (shame) features similar. Yet there’s nothing we can actually compare suicide with. A mother never expects to outlive her children. She gives birth, nourishes, watches them grow, is present for all joys and sorrows. Comforts, and as the child grows and starts a new life, she must find a new way to let go. But never does she imagine her child being found dead by his/her own hands and alone.
It’s almost a betrayal. He didn’t the want his body which she had given him. For the time being in her imaginings she cannot see differently. None of it makes sense. Why? And the “why” cannot be answered, at least for a time. Irrespective of age, new understandings are needed otherwise the “why” cannot be understood and those left behind walk with their heads bent low carrying shame that this happened to their family.
Organisations, experts, support groups, families have slowly emerged and the word “suicide” is now spoken if not yet loudly but no longer whispered. An understanding seems to be moving forward but the “why” still remains. More is needed. The why that the “I” of the suicide stopped fighting for life. There is usually a strong repugnance against death with a battle to hold on to one’s life and yet a suicide in a moment of something utterly different overcomes the will to battle for life and surrenders.
The new call for assisted suicide must be a call from hell because it’s a choice made for self and implicates others. There is the decision, the final strength needed to end one’s own life by suicide, and now assisted by other. the delicate request made to loved one/s to be present at a certain time, to watch him/her die. With so called dignity. At a time of choice. No fight against the enemy of life, death, but a request to have loved ones witness the intentional choice when to die and to assist if needed.
Past times suicide had a stigma attached to it, like abortion. It was known that both abortion and suicide happened in families but it remained secret. Today in this “cultured” society, the loved one makes a choice to eat from the tree of death and those left behind remain victims of that tree and the lie “you will not die” (Gen3:4)
I’m reminded of time when I started work in the field of abortion grief over 28 years ago, no one wanted to speak about it, it was hushed up, but slowly brave women began speaking about their pain and horror over what they had done and slowly began to be heard. new understandings began to become vocalised and the why spoken about
Sexual abuse of a child is also violent action against a vulnerable one and so much grief. In such cases much more than physical wounds are inflicted. It’s also a kind of death. There is a deep sense of abandonment, loss of trust, knowledge of truth, knowledge of one’s identity. It’s a loss of such magnitude that I don’t believe that it’s ever possible to completely recover. It’s possible to reach a place of homeostasis, but the memory of the violence, the loss of trust, loss of who “I” am, always remains dead. The exclusivity of “me” has died. The body remains to be seen even looking normal but the soul has left for a safe place. Disassociation and door keyed shut.
The victim is now ashamed (same, abortion, suicide, sexual abuse) and this, I believe, is the reason for the deep trauma resulting in the death of “me” from this type of trauma. Further, the anger, sadism and cruelty of the assault ensures that imprinted in the victim’s memory is an experience so distressing, that the whole-body, including soul, revolt against its association with the body and life. Sexual abuse is a crime of violence against innocence (once lost never to be found) worst when by nearest kinfolk. This type of abuse more aptly called “soul rape” and is more destructive because the perpetrator is often known and a “supposed” loved one into whose care the “me” has been placed, to walk with love and safety through life’s journey.
From the moment of the first violation, the soul and trust freeze. Like suicide there is a loss of understanding the order of life. Thereafter the victim is unable to return to innocence again. A sexually abused person (child/adult) forgets suppresses evil and walks empty, doing the normal but empty. No sense of self-trust, self-protection, self-care because she has not learned how. Her development was arrested at the moment the sexual abuse first occurred and she has no schema on which to base her learning. She cannot trust God, other humans or self. Sexual abuse whether by incest, rape, by familial member or by an outsider is a blasphemy. Abortion is a blasphemy. Both of these acts deface and distort the image of God and render the victim powerless. The consequence of this is that future relationships will be tainted, by distorted emotions developed in a manner to survive, and are dysfunctional. Sexual abuse, incest, suicide, abortion, euthanasia, death penalty, are the crossing over of invisible barriers between life and death and being stuck in a no man’s land (safe place) because safe place is where it’s really safe.
Because of the horrific nature of abortion, sexual abuse, euthanasia, even death penalty life cannot be discussed as other than being alive and as such cannot answer to other question of dignity of the human being. Dignity must always be recognised as an attribute of divine gift, and because of this type of violent death, it cannot be countenanced because dignity, is an infusion by God, into all humanity and so abortion, rape, incest, euthanasia, death penalty cannot ever be justified because of the infusion of dignity. Dignity ensures that the sinner, even in their darkest moment cannot lose their humanity and hence dignity (St. JPII, Evangelium Vitae) Suicide kills self, abortion kills a child, abuse kills innocence, euthanasia kills by consent a human being, death penalty kills by legality an adult sinner. Each infused with love and mercy of their father. Each individual human is tied up with countless others, some acceptable and some regrettable, however, there is a link which binds and connects all of us. Dignity. Relationship. Abortion, abuse, rape, Suicide, incest, euthanasia, forced adult death, destroy that relationship. Why does this loss of dignity? because we live in a society very similar to that cited in (Nbs.11:30) We live in a society which is gluttonous for sensory pleasures, greedy for instant gratification, ravenous for selfishness and seriously forgetful of God’s presence and Mercy This forgetfulness has led to the culture of death we are intimately immersed in. The word “dignity” is used much within the death industry but its true meaning is lost.
Our understanding, of human dignity even for the greatest sinner helps us understand that dignity must at all times be respected and protected for the good of all. When dignity is not respected then society is diminished. Our personhood diminished. Our Image in the likeness of Jesus is blurred. Most especially when we speak about personal dignity how important it is to protect it even for the greatest of sinners because in doing so, we protect the dignity of all. God protected the dignity of Cain with a sign. So too we remember the sign, human, when we protect dignity of those whom we consider not worthy of such protection.
Recent Popes, St John Paul II, Pope Benedict, have spoken against death penalty and Pope Francis went so far as to say that death penalty is always inadmissible because it removes from the sinner the possibility of reconciliation.
Cardinal Ladaria of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has stated that “the new formulation of number 2267 of the Catechism expresses an authentic development of doctrine that is not in contradiction with the prior teachings of the Magisterium.” Meaning that with this development continuity is being encored by Pope Francis and his advisers. The death penalty is always evil.
Legalised killing is always evil, even if it appears necessary and, in the past, permitted even by the church. However, in the progress of our understanding murder darkens the soul of individuals and society. We can see this in our own day. Violence abounds. Violence sheds blood and our world is flooded with blood. Not just a river (but like one of OT type plagues).
“Whosoever shall shed man’s blood, his blood shall be shed, for man was made to the image of God (Gn 9:6)
The doctrine of human dignity (even of a criminal) is much better understood and therefore more central to our understanding of the value inherent in the human being. Every human being from the smallest preborn, to the weakest and most vulnerable, to one who even “in his darkest moment” (criminal) does not lose his dignity. His dignity is protected by God.
Those who advocate for more and more abortion and child sacrifice of developed children as offering to the god Moloch or goddess Apophis have lost from their own being the knowledge, of dignity.,. Those who advocate for euthanasia and assisted suicide, a sinister and sanitised way of someone helping another to kill themselves. Those who advocate for abuse of children (child sexual abuse, paedophile groups) those who advocate for wars, human trafficking, female bartering, those who flood the world of young and not so young with the assured journey towards lonely death via illicit drugs, have introduced into humanity a darkness which is now producing its fruits. Global violence in all manner. In homes-domestic violence, murder, streets, nations, globe (wars). The fruits of laws advocating retaliation, brings darkness over the land which in its blindness the human being cannot see and a forgetting that the human beings have God’s protection which is marked with his seal of protection.
Looking at suffering in our world, the words of the Psalmist come to mind “How long Lord will you forget us and hide your face from us. (Ps 13:1) Will you forget us forever.
Euthanasia, assisted suicide, suicide, abuse, abortion, death penalty, wars, torture, starvation, trafficking, abuse of gender as designed by God, are contrary to all we know as life and human. The laws which endanger this knowledge slowly remove our belief that the human being is a noble creation capable of magnificent exploits. Our unique role of the Gethsemane Watch is no longer needed. Gethsemane Watch is when we sit with a loved one or any human being and hold their hand and not abandon them when their last breath is expelled. God breathes into the man and he inhales, another holds the hand and waits for that breath to be expelled and returned to its creator.
When a writer poses an opinion, it’s always an opinion even after much reading and study and thought, and so is the above. However, it’s also important to try and offer some sort of possible solutions, but again it the writer’s idea of solution without being accepted by others or even offending the other.
My explanation for the present “why” is that we can almost pinpoint the time of its beginning in modern times. I would suggest it began with the rejection of children first in family, (1930) then slowly by early gestation abortion followed by late term abortion, followed by post birth abortion. If it becomes possible to intentionally kill an infant then a dark cloud has arisen and covered the earth and progressively the cloud darkens further with all manner of killing. In our day technology ensures that the new methods are sent globally in an instantly and learned by all.
How do we “fix,” change our society to one with at least a modicum of peace.? We need to call on God to hear our words “How long Lord will you cover your face from us” (Ps13:1) Don’t forget us forever please.
Maranatha.
